Archive for October, 2009

Mark the Cruster going out of business 1 transaction at a time!

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Mark the Cruster dropped out of school in Sophomore year. The stress of school and the addling of his brain due to his crusting illness caused him to drop out.

Let

CRUSTYS… FLAKE JEWELRY & MOANS! STEAL $8000 FROM NIKKY & THROW HIM OUT! BWHAHHAHAHA!

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Here’s the best one yet we have seen from FLAKE JEWELRY & LOAN!

Ok, lets have some fun with an in-depth analysis of the Crusters sapphire auction! First I do want to say that anyone that buys his wares is dumber than he is since he can’t spell, he can’t read, he can’t put a sentence together to save his life, and from the looks of it he’s gonna have returns to the house of hock in no time! Ok, First I want to get my flashlight out since the listing below has a flashlight on it so that you can see it! (YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN KIDDING ME! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Here’s his post verbatim… “Stunning Ladies Sapphire ring (oval) deep blue (pics 1&2) w/ 4 full cut accent Diamonds,This Gem weighs 5.01 grams & is a size 8 1/8 … The sapphire is (approx)) .60ct & .20ct in the diamonds…The head that holds the Sapphire & dia’s is white gold set on solid 14k yel gold. Retail is 795.00 but get it here for a fraction of that retail, As always U.S.A sales only ,No ZERO bidders & no P.O boxes . We have the right to retract any bid any time for any reason . Good luck Thanks 4 looking.We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.

Ok, First… Pics 1&2 are stunning sapphire! (What are the other 4 pics of then?) With 4 full cut accent Diamonds, (Hmmm, GIA doesn’t seem to have “accent diamonds”? (Are they from another country? Like one with a different accent than the USA?)) We then have a comma and no space. Cute! This Gem weighs 5.01 grams (Really! That sapphire is the only gem that’s big enough to mention and it’s not 5 grams in weight since it would 25 carats at that point! OH WAIT…You mean the ring itself! DUH!!! Was crusty flaking too much to see when he wrote this? Did the crust fall like snow into his lids? Perhaps!? I say this because he takes the time to say Sapphire but makes his own abbreviations like “dia’s” and Yellow is now “yel”! Crusty needs a loupe with windshield wipers in it! Get that crust off of there now soldier! As always U.S.A sales only. (Always, this is the first thing you sold on Ebay in 6 months!!! (Or tried to) Of course, with that 8th grade education, filling out customs forms for overseas sales could make you so nervous that the grease filled Chicago police cap that you were born with would fall off from the flurry of flakes dropping on your shoes!

You mighty cruster you! No zero bidders! What are you, some type of 80 feedback power seller? Oh wait…you are 80 feedback and most of them are purchases and what isn’t is Michael Jackson Albums! Bwhahhahhaha! Thanks “4” looking! Are you 7 or 9 years old? Are you texting this on your phone? You actually think people will spend money with you?

Now, the ultimate and most stupid line that I have EVER read in 13 years on Ebay…. “We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.” Bwhahhahahaha ROFL!!! You Shinned huh? (Did you get kicked in the head or the Shins?) a Flashlight on the center to bring out the blue huh? LOL, In other words it’s fuckin black! I can see you now….

“Here Ma’am, Flake Jewelry & Loan wants to send you this free LED Flashlight to hang around your neck so you can show your “Blue” sapphire off to them” Oh, Buff that jewelry and give it a shave! You’re taking lessons from that evil short wanna be Jew that masquerades as a Leprechaun 23 hours out of every day. (He’s hugging the water heater in the basement drunk on boxed wine when he’s not doing that!) Here’s another tip…Blow the crust away from the jewelry before you shoot it! I know this is new for you since you never got to blow out the birthday candles on your cake since the crust off your lips got in everyone eyes when you tried your first year!

The real laughing stock out of this whole thing is the Ebel watch you sold for 800 bucks! That watch was worth $2500.00 all day long! You’re gonna be out of business sooner than I originally thought! I could have sold that for at least $2000 in less than 1 hour with 1 phone call! You’re profit on it *might* have paid for the listing if you were lucky. Unless you shill’d it last minute to save it?!?! So will we see it listed again next week? Hmmmm!?!?

I’m glad that you started up again since material was getting kinda thin here. Now with that stellar vocabulary and 8th grade diploma tucked away neatly under that Police Hat you wear 24/7, I think we will have a REAL LONG relationship with your sales attempts! Keep em comming crusty, we are just getting started!

Thank you for entertaining us wildly! You should see how many people are reading this now and how much email we get just beggin for more!

Lastly…and in all upper case…. OUR MONASTERY HAS A SECRET OF WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO FIND OUT WITHIN THE NEXT 15 DAYS! YOU WILL BE OUT WITH YOUR SECURITY BLANKET (THAT GREASY POLICE HAT WHICH ONLY YOU THINK MAKES PEOPLE THINK YOUR A COP BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR JUST A TWIT WITH LEPROSY!) AND YOU’LL BE SMOKING AND THEN YOU WILL LOOK UP, AND THE ANGELS WILL SING! THE LAST SUPPER PORTRAIT WILL BE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ANGST THAT WILL BEFALL YOU BUT THERE, THE SIGNS WILL BE ALL AROUND YOU, AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO NOTHING BUT TAKE A HANDFUL OF XANAX, EAT 10 OR 15 VICODIN, SLAM A SUBOXONE (YES WE KNOW YOU’RE MOONLIGHTING WITH YOUR DRUG HABIT ON THE NARCOTIC OF NARCOTICS, THE MIGHTY SUBOXONE), AND CALL THAT GHEY WHORE NIKKY THAT GAVE YOU 8 OR 9 THOUSAND DOLLARS, THEN YOU THREW HIM TO HELL WHERE HE BELONGS! I HOPE HE REALIZES BY NOW THAT HIS MONEY IS GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN! IF HE HASN’T, HE WILL AFTER 11-15-09!

YOU GET TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE ABOVE MEANS AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT ONE BIT I ASSURE YOU! LOL

Now say Amen and for God’s sake, take that fucking stupid police hat off! ROFL

Crusty’s House of Hock

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Things are very pathetic over at Crusty’s House of Hock. He started listing stuff again on ebay. Lets enjoy his ebay listing together.

Up for auction is this Mans 14K White Gold Beautiful Princess cut Diamond ring,weighing in at 7.31 grams & is a size 10 3/4… The Center Diamond Measures out with our mm gauge to be (approx) .75ct ,Over 1 Carat with all of the accent diamonds surrounding .The Princess diamond is eye clean ,but has a noticable feather off to the side nearing the center under 10X power loupe. Unless someone walks around with a jewelers loupe you can not see it ,That being said we grade this at Si3 -K color! Look at the pics and see wether or not this for you, at the price we sell our goods at, it is or will be a bargain for you ! As always U.S.A sales Only ,NO ZERO bidders & No P.o boxes ,We have the right to retract any bid any time for any reason .. Thanks for looking

What the heck is an SI3 diamond? According to GIA, the Diamond Grading Experts, there is no such thing as a SI3 Diamond. Here is what GIA says.

Bill Boyajian, President of GIA, wrote the following letter to Jewelers

The Crusters truth is stranger then fiction! Telephone Phun!

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

I was sitting in the Monestery yesterday and the telephone rings. The minor deacons were out praying, so I answered the phone.

Most of the time, I can’t believe this stuff… but it is all TRUE!

Me: The Glorious Church of Timmy

Her: Oh Hi Mark, do I have to be at your church for the drawing today.

Me: <thinking what the FREAK is this> hmmm… Jes, I like it when you come to my Church

Her: hehehe

Me: What are you wearing?

Her: what?

Me: When I think of you nekkid, I start to CRUST!

Her: WHAT!!?

Me: You make me CRUST AND FLAKE. COME TO MY CHURCH NOW!

Her: Click

Moral of the story: Stop giving retards my telephone number you stupid crusting freak.

OMG. GLORIOUS!

The Cruster scares religion out of people one rent-a-cop at a time

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

The Crusters brilliant marketing strategy for his radio commercial announcing his thyhe fest last weekend had a funny statement. “Pray in a Clean Atmosphere”. I don’t know about most of you, but, the Church I attend on a regular basis is clean. I don’t need to tell people that it is clean. I just need to make sure that it is clean.

In the country, we have freedom of religion. The cruster has a legal right to open up a church one block from our Monestary. It makes no business sense, but, Mark is really an idiot.

But, when you invite new parishioners to join your Church, who in their right mind hires a really fat rent-a-cop with a pin head, wearing a uniform that looks like it was purchased at a Halloween Costume store, that makes the rent-a-cop look like a very scary looking overstuffed sausage. This pin head security guard was looking to burst from his skin.

My favorite part of the event was when a mom with 3 young children parked her car, and walked into the Church, 3 children in tow. We watched her walk in door with her 3 children, and then, not 25 seconds later, out side scurried pulling her 3 children with her. And right after she walked out the door, out walked the overstuffed sausage rent-a-cop, chasing after her. I can only imagine what she saw in the Crusters church, that caused her to scurry out in record time.

I expect that Mark was standing in the corner, in an agnst filled dither, with the agnst causing his skin to crust and flake. So she would have walked in and saw a little man, wearing a very greasy Chicago Police Hat standaing in the corner with a clould of white flakes and crust surrounding him in the air. That digusting picture certainly would have me running from Mark’s chuch worrying about the safety of my children and not catching the hedious illness that affects the Crusters body and mind.

I am reminded of a Psalm that we sing when we enter the Holy Church and Monestary of Timmy.

“We will build a house where Gawd will dwell… verse: All are Welcome, All are Welcome, All are Welcome in this those”

Hey Crusty; here’s a hint for you in the future… if you want to welcome guests to your church, don’t hire a scary looking rent-a-copy with a pin head who looks like an overstuffed sausage.

Captain Crusty! The Breakfast of Champions for a Monday!

Monday, October 19th, 2009
Captain Crusty!

Captain Crusty!

No Nickie, but, more young kiddies, Child Abuse and the Cruster’s Balloon Boy!

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

There was no sign at Mark

The madness that is Mark the Cruster

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

Very rarely do I see an event that leaves me speechless. The gathering today at the Crusters was SO completely insane that I am virtually at a loss to describe it. I’m going to do my gosh darn best to try, but, I can see now that this is going to be multiple blog enteries.

The first piece of madness was the Cruster hiring a rent-a-cop to provide security for the event. Most people with a brain will hire an off duty cop from the local juristiction to provide security, but, not the cruster. Mark hires a guy that was dressed like an over-stuffed sausage. He was a giagantor, wearing cloths that were way too small giving him the look of a freak that was getting ready to burst at the seams. And, on his chest was a woven Star of David. Who in their right mnd hires security when your hiring DJ’s to give away tickets to see Hanna Montana? Did the cruster think that my group of Minor Deacons would storm his church to offer prayer? Deacon Kippy was in the area, and when the Cruster saw Mother Superior and locked eyes with her, he just about passed out seeing her in all of her Glory. The Cruster setting his eyes on Mother Superious was enough to push the cruster over the edge. God only knows the mad thoughts that went through the Crusters mind today.

The next thing we noticed is that the Cruster was giving aware free barbeeque. Why Barbeeque? Who knows. These 3 idiots set up a little table about 1/2 block north of the Cruster’s church in an auto repair place parking lot. First, only an idiot opens up a Church in the building next door to an auto repair place. Next, the idiots who set up the table with BBQ in the parking lot with one little warmer and a blue crate of buns had NO SIGNS whatsoever explaining that the Cruster was paying for BBQ. And having the BBQ far away from the church, absolutely NOBODY would know what the heck the BBQ was being given away for anyways. We watched for 2 hours, and 3 people stopped over for BBQ. 3 people. And a very anxious cruster who was too scared to leave his church and walk over to get the BBQ he was paying for. And the best reason for the BBQ table being set up 1/2 a block away from the Cruster? There is NO parking at all by the Crusters church. None. Zippo. The laundry that used to be in the Crusters church went out of business because of no parking, and the Cruster will shortly too. Can you image paying big bucks to have an event at your church, and have nobody show up? Whats a pathetic Cruster to do?

WOW. More stories coming.

An eyewitness account of the Cruster’s party

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

After a long hard night of prayer I find myself sleeping until I get a call from the Holy Father himself! Thinking this was important, I woke up and took the call. I received instructions to go to the crusters church and take some pictures of, if you believe some reports from an ex-choir boy of his, a “Big Promotion” going on to gain exposure and thus have more donations rolling in.

Now, far be it from me to ever think that this new church would, or ever could affect us negatively in any way, I thought it may be fun to go see the festivities first hand! So the Mother Superior and myself got some rather pricey Digital SLR camera equipment that was at our Church and headed down the 2000 foot drive. I know what you’re thinking…”What kind of a moron opens a church of the same faith a two blocks away from another church!?”

We saw a small red tent and balloons/streamers, and some signs too! OH WAIT! That was the Tire place 300 feet away from the crusters church! When we rolled up to the crusters place ,we saw a 10 year old boy holding up a sign with letters that were too small to read while standing just 75 feet from him! Yep, we must be at the crusters since using children is a specialty of crusty and proven upon the last two girls that were holding signs there just a week prior! Upon making the turn, Mother Superior locked eyes with the cruster himself and she almost jumped out of her Habit whilst laughing and even funnier, the cruster almost jumped out of his “Habit” too but we all know his habit isn’t anything clothing related but rather Pharmaceutical related!

There was a Chicago Eatery serving BBQ there. Their name is Hokey’s BBQ. You see, we learned that the radio station C69 had a meet and greet a famous girl named Siley Myrus and that if you bought something there, you would register to win tickets to meet and greet this girl. Of course this is less than lame since who wants to meet some 16 year old kid that’s on TV unless you are a 9-15 year old kid that’s not! Well, it looked like 5 kids without parents were there eating free BBQ and 3 parent of kids ranging from 6 to 11 years old showed up and each of them spending no more than 45 seconds in the church until they came running back out to their cars.

The cruster was sneaking out the back door to smoke what could have been a variety of herbs or leafy items. The DJ’s looked so bored that they were out of the church for about the 1st full hour and just returning to the church with the same empty pews as before they left. No one made a donation at all. After the first hour, even the little band of 5 kids that were in the front decided to leave and check out the tire promo! You would think that someone would have put something out there to at least tell people that the church was open for donations today!

That 10 year old boy held the sign for a total of 4 minutes and then dropped it and ran inside. It must be Choir practice time and the cruster doesn’t want anyone late or they have to play 7 minutes in Heaven with him in one of the confessionals and that doesn’t sound fun with a 43 year old cruster that, if that police hat ever gets detached from the grease holding it in his hair, would be the spitting image of Capt’n Crunch (Minus the blue sailor suit of course!).

We have a host of pictures that will be posted to show everyone of our faithful readers on how the crusters business strategy works out! That church should be condemned since with no donations, no employees, no faithful followers, no listings in any phone books, no money, no parking, no access to the entrance, & no security it’s just a empty building with a crunchy father that is already out of business and everyone knows it except for the cruster!

Harvard business school will want to do a documentary on this escapade to teach their students on everything of what NOT to do in business to assure a successful future! Oh…I almost forgot… He had security there! Yep! He had some rube in black pants and a blue jacket with what looked like a pined on 5 point start that was about 2 inches in diameter and looked like it was made of felt and pasted on to the jacket. He stopped to photograph Mother Superior himself ! The only problem is that he isn’t any brighter than the cruster since we were 1500 feet away from them with a 500mm zoom lens on a Nikon SLR and he had… his Samsung Cell Phone! Yeah, that’s gonna work REAL well! lol. Security guy, if you’re reading this, we are the 4th spec over from the furthest light pole across the street….or….it could be a piece of dust on the display of your phone!?!?

Lastly, a little commentary… I have never in my 3 decades of professional experience seen any individual continually do the absolute wrong things when it comes to business! I mean, what are the odds that EVERYTHING done by the cruster is money losing & kid inducing?! Everything from the location to the set up and the ads to the promos are specifically geared to lose money, time, and energy. I don’t think anyone less than a complete idiot with downs syndrome and a lisp could come up with these plans to fail every time!

I’m guessing that he will be in need of a Suicide Prevention Hotline shortly since you can only fail so many times before calling it quits for good!

Please provide us LIVE updates. Chat with Timmy!

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

Our Savior, Timmy, is now Logged in to the http://ChurchOfTimmy.org chat site.

Visit the site, scroll down to the bottom, and click on “Chat with Timmy Church”

Your updates will be posted real time to the Blog.

The Grace and Peace of Timmy be with us ALL! Including Mark the Cruster!