Archive for September, 2009

Protected: Checking in with the Cocker

Friday, September 25th, 2009

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Crusty’s House of Hock

Sunday, September 20th, 2009

I received an email at my email address timmy@churchoftimmy.org from a reader of this blog asking why I am obsessed with Mark the Cruster and Nickie the Homo. I’m sure I mentioned this before but I can share the information again.

Mark the Cruster was employed as a minster at our Universal Monestary. We call him the Cruster because he has a hideous skin desease that makes his skin flake and crust. When Mark gets nervous because of his anxiety disorder, this makes his skin quiver, and because of his crusting illness, a little cloud of crusting and flaking skin forms around it. its really quite disgusting and sick to watch. Most people want to vomit when they see the Cruster. The desease is very evident on his hands which have a red and itchey appearance. To fight the anxiety, the cruster takes lots of pills. To keep the voices in his head silient, he takes large quantities of vicodin. But, a person develops a tollerance to Vicodin, so he increased his levels to more and more pills until he had to doctor shop to get multiple perscriptions for the medicine. In fact, one day, he walked into our Monestary in the moring and showed us a letter from one of his doctors stating that he was a cronic pill chaser and she was dropping him. But thats not really the point. The Cruster started taking too many pills, which led to his inability to perform his job functions. We asked him to cut back on the pills and do his job properly. He promptly quit.

Thats fine. Its a free country. If Mark wanted to do drugs and not work for us, thats fine. You can work for anybody you want. Or leave your job when you want. But, a regularly human being who was employed for $60,000 a year will typically give two weeks notice that they are leaving as a courtesy to the employeer since they paid you a salary of $60,000 for the last year or so, but, not the Cruster. After being asked to cut down on the drugs, he called in sick for 3 days and then on the 4th day, said he was not coming back. Thats fine. I understand that when you run a retail establishment, your employees dont give a rip about business etiquitte, but, it was still sick on the part of the Cruster.

Then, less then a year later, the cruster decides to open his own Church less then one block from our Monestary. Out of all the places in the State to open, he decides he has to be less then one block from our Monestary. This is completly stupid from a business standpoint if you consider that he could have opened a mile away, two miles away, in a different town, anyplace. But, the truth as to why he opened a block away can be traced back to his mental illness. Before coming to work at our Church, he worked at a church about 60 miles away. He had to drive up to our monestary about 10 times before he could in his crazy mind have the courage to actually decide that he was going to join our church. And after leaving, he could only contemplate opening up a church one block from the holy monestary of TIMMY.

But, opening a Church takes cash. You have to have enough to pay the rent for about two years or so, because any new business you start takes that long to generate cash flow. Mark the Cruster stole $12K from Nickie the #whore and put another $5K of his money into his account to build out his church. Thats not enough to cut it.

You need to ask yourself, “location, location, location” when picking where you want to open your retail store. The storefront that Mark rented was a former dry cleaners, run my a Yappy Gook. Who ever heard of a cleaners going out of business? The only reason a cleaners would go out of business would be because it was a terrible location. There is no parking in front of the Crusters church. And the cleaner couldn’t make a go of the business, but that didn’t stop the cruster.

But, opening a business, with no business plan, no research, and -picking a location to be vindictive to your previous employer is not a sound business model.

We believe that Crusty’s house of Hock will close by the end of the year. When he does go out of business it will prove that you should never do things out of spite.

Crusty’s Place

Friday, September 18th, 2009

With bankruptcy looming, the Cruster is getting desperate as we find him pacing back and forth in his store front Church. Having no money and no customers has driven the cruster to take desperate measures and hire two Yappy little #whores to stand in front of his store with little signs advising them to stop in to Tithe.

I walked over with a camera to see the little hotties that he hired and it looked to me like they were younger. Its evil to think that the Cruster is trying to entice customers to enter his church by displaying illegal young hotties offering sex to customers if they enter his church. VERY YAPPY!

What is even funnier is that I stopped by the and asked the hotties if anybody was stopping in because she was out there holding the sign and she told me “NO, Nobody has stopped in so far, but, a few guys did honk at me”.

No Customers, No Money, Nobody to work in the store with him, and no class, will lead the cruster out of business and into suicide. Our hope is that the Cruster eventually Caradines himself in his church, or one of the young hotties performs a “Gatti” on Mark the Cruster. For those of you who don’t kinow what a “gatti” is, you can check the Urban Dictionary. To save you the time, I will take you. Being Gatti’d is when you are strangled to death wearing only your underpants by a girl on your back with her purse. It will be a glorious way for Mark the Cruster to go.

The Cruster's Paradise

The Cruster's Paradise

CRUSTER2SEP

Nickie the Ghey Whore gets Theiving and FIRED

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

As I mentioned in my previous post, Nickie the Ghey Whore has been famously missing from Mark the Crusters church. When we drive by Mark’s storefront, we see the Mark the Cruster in the Window, but, Nickie has been noplace to be seen.

It turns out that Nickie was thieving from the Church. A person who knows Nickie mentioned that Nickie was coming home each night from the Church carrying a briefcase full of things to list on Ebay. Well, the stuff was being stolen from the Crusters church.

Mark the Cruster figured this out, and immediately took away Nickie the Ghey Whore’s key from the Church. And Nickie was told he could not be at the Church for a “few months” since there was no money. In non-retardo mark speak, that means your fired. PERIOD. OMG. ROTFL. Armageddon Kiki!

This is funny, since Nickie gave the Cruster $12K to open the Church.

Now the $12K is gone, and the Cruster has nobody to help him run the Church.

This will be TERRIBLE for the Cruster since Cold and Flu season is coming up, and state law requires that they Church never close for two business days in a row.

And believe me, we are going to be watching, as a courtesy to the Customers of the Crusters Church.