Archive for the ‘retardo’ Category

EASTER IS COMING (AND SO IS CRUSTY SO BE CAREFUL!)

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

The Easter Bitch will be going door to door looking for little children to give eggs to! If you walk into his church, it doesn’t smell that far off from eggs when the smell of cat piss is at bay! Have you ever wondered who is behind those ominous Easter Bunny suits? If we had X-Ray vision, the picture on Crustacean Quarterly Magazine is probably not far from the truth! Yes folks, when it comes to sissies, Fake Jewelry & Moans head pontiff could be in your neighborhood right now! You can’t run, you can’t hide, the Easter Bitch is coming to frackyour boys behind!! The only Easter Bunny with a Pez Dispenser full of Vicodin for the cold spring Easter day! (And another one loaded with 2mg Xanax for the nights (or any other time for that matter!)) You will usually find this particular rabbit taking off the furry boots that you see before you every hour or so to get the crust out of the pant legs. This is because it builds up about the calf’s and knees thus making it hard to sit which, as you may know, is required when trying to slice the back end of your kids pants open and sit him on the evil bunnies lap! If you see him taking off those boots and pouring what looks like snow out of each one, that means he has his target and will be hunting your neighborhood shortly! This variety of Rabbit practices the art of Feltching on the other 364 days of the year! The art of Feng Shui was just not cutting the mustard! If you want to know how to protect your neighborhood, take my advice and stash your kids somewhere away from your house! (While you’re at it, hide the cat, the dog, and the pet turtle too!) and for God’s sake, keep any and all Duct Tape out of sight! Feltching is a habit that dies hard and you don’t want your kid wrapped up in duct tape, shoved into a tube, and inserted into this bunnies ass! (Oh MY!)

If you have a gallon of gas and a shot gun, keep them close! If you hear the earie sound of what seems to mimic the sound of someone stepping on a few open boxes of corn flakes, and then seen the large blood shot eyes of this rabbit, throw the gas on his furr and shoot him thus igniting him into a large fire ball with floppy ears! (Make sure there is no kid hanging out of his ass first & Kids, Don’t try this at home!)

Yes folks, Large Game Hunting of the Markus Rabbit Ignoramus variety is not for the faint of heart! We hear at Midwest Monasteries thought we would make this public service announcement just in case one shows up in your area! As long as you remember not to panic and follow the above procedures, you will get through this with as few casualties as possible! If the Bunnie is hiding, calling his real name will sometimes get you a reaction that will distract him thus giving you time to get your kids to safety! Just yell… Markus Crustaceous Headus Giverous the III-rd. (twice removed from Rome and once from Nicky the Ghey Whores Arse!!). This has been a public service announcement by The Church of Timmy!

Stolen Jewelry, worthless diamonds and another case of Cruster Math

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

When we last left off with Mark and Nick waiting for Armageddon to rain down on their pathetic little world, I would like to talk about stolen jewelry, diamonds and another lesson in Cruster Math.

Mark the Cruster never graduated from High School. He dropped out of High School as a Sophmore, and worked at the pawn shop his brother owns, sitting in the fron of the store behind a display case, pretending to read the paper by looking at the pictures, since he can’t read very well, and then, when the other owner wanted coffee, donuts, lunch, smokes, or anything else, Mark the Crusting Biatch would run the errand, return with the items, and then sit back down behind the couter and pretend to read the paper some more. Mark sat in the same smelly chair pretending to read the newspaper for TEN YEARS wearing that same greasy baseaball cap. Mark doesn’t bathe regularly so that chair was ripe with CRUST. yuk.

Well, diamonds have value. Everybody knows that. When you go into the Mall Jewelry store, diamonds are VERY expensive. The Rapport Report puts out a price guide ever week on the cost per ct. of diamonds by size.

But, Mark and Nick STOLE $29,000 worth of jewelry from the Holy Goat. But, y0u can’t really have a bunch of stolen rings sitting around. So mark and nick took the beautiful trays of jewelry, stripped out the diamonds, and sold off the gold to a guy who melts it down. The street value for the jewelry was about $49,000 before mark and nick stripped out all the diamonds, and got their paultry $22,000 in cash for the gold. Nick gave Mark the money to pay his bills since his buiness does no busienss but, that will only work for so long.

In the meantime, Mark took 11 ct. of diamonds that he stripped from jewelry he stipped and SOLD it on ebay. In the Jewelry, thoses diamonds were worth tens of thousands of dollars. But, we have to go back to Cruster Math.

Take $10,000 of diamonds, strip them out of jewelry to an 11 ct. bag, and sell the 11 ct. bag of precious diamonds on ebay for $22 per ct. Yes TWENTY-TWO dollars a ct. If it wasn’t so sick and pathetic, it would be too funny.

Its only a matter of time. Mark the Cruster will get his, as armegeddon approachs, and nick, well, he will very soon be explaining to bubba in his cell, his expoits as Nick as on all fours, nekkid, wearin a dog collar and sniffing a black leather glove.

OMG. TOO fun.

Happy Birthday Mark the Cruster!

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

Today is the Cruster’s Birthday! Mark is 56 years old TODAY! Bald! Crusting, and having a new malady to suffer through. Incontenience. Thats right. Mark on his 56th birthday now has to wear Depends Adult Diapers.

What a sad state of affairs for Mark. Alone. No Money. No Future. No Hair. And an inability to keep from filling his adult diapers with Crap.

And we have a VERYspecial birthday present for Markie. Hey Mark. Walk outside your store today. Turn Left. Look up the street at the LARGE Bill Board, right across the street from your store. And Behold the GLORY of TIMMY!

Lets go on record predicting that Mark the Cruster will not be in his store this time next year.

He will either be bankrupt, or dead by Suicide.

Happy Birthday Markie! You ARE the Cruster!

No Nickie, but, more young kiddies, Child Abuse and the Cruster’s Balloon Boy!

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

There was no sign at Mark

Trouble in Mark the Crusters Paradise

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

There is some confusion in the crusters unhappy world. After opening up his Church only one block from our Monestary, he is finding he has no business. No souls to save. No tithings in his collection plate. No money to pay his rent. Whats a cruster to do?

Mark decided to give a reach around to the Holy Goat, who gave the Cruster some over priced merchandise to list on ebay. The spread on what the Cruster paid for the merchandise to the holy goat and what it could be sold on ebay was very small. Not hardly enough to pay his monthly rent, but the Cruster never was very bright.

Then to our surprise one day after listing 60 peices of junk on ebay, the cruster killed the auctions. All the listings. hehehe. Snap. Gone. After paying the listing fees to ebay, he killed the actions.

This means that Mark the Cruster is either having a problem with The Holy Goat or a problem with his boy ward Yarf! boy Nickie.

It s silly enough that the Cruster got a second mortgage on his pathetic condo to open his church one block away from our Monestary and Church oF Timmy, but, to list auctions, pay for them, and kill them.

THAT IS GLORIOUS!

Its only a matter of time before Mark the Cruster screams Armageddon Kiki!

Mark the Mook, Crusting, and an old Cleaners with Tinted Windows

Friday, June 5th, 2009

In January, Mark the Cruster decided to open up his church. Instead of finding area without a Monastary, the Cruster decided to open 1 block away, but thats old hat.

He moved into a storefront that was previously used by a dry cleaner. We know about the toxic affects of working in a place where dry cleaning chemicals were stored, but the Cruster is an idiot for opening one block away anyways, so whats cancer to him?

Now boys and girls. How many dry cleaners have you seen go out of business? Not many. But this particular cleaners had a couple of bad things do deal with. The first being no way for anybody driving on the east side of the street to get into the strip mall where he has his church. There is a traffic light about a 1/4 mile south of his church, and traffic backs up all the time making it virtually impossible for anybody to get into the parking lot. NOBODY can get it, so nobody will stop by to #pray.

The second really bizarre thing about the Church is the tinted windows that they have at the Church. Nobody can see into the chuch. The windows are too dark. He has a double necked guitar in the front window but you can barely see it. All you see when you look through the windows are dark shadows. It makes the place look creepy.

The cruster also can not aford a lite up sign. His cash flow must be really bad.

Nobody will go into his church because it looks scarey. I be they close in 6 months.

I Steal Gems of Grays Lake

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

I started a Fine JEWelry store in Grayslake called I Steal Gems. Since I was drunk all the time it did not occur to me that naming the Store “I Steal Gems” was a bad idea.

Very few customers came into the store. It might be because my wife who smells like rotten fish and my retardo sun who pisses himself were at the store constantly but the business was clearly failing.

I convinced this Master Jeweler to partner with me, and he paid a large sum of money to join my business. He gave me a large pile of money while I used to pay for boxed wine and Ghey whores. When the money was spent, I walked out of the business leaving him holding the lease. I am that kind of scum.

I hope to do the same thing with a really hot looking stupid art victim that is sharing my new store with me.

I am going to go flog myself now.

Tails of bad business part 1 of many

Thursday, September 11th, 2008

My name is Wayne, and my name is John. I swap them every so often to try and confuse the creditors who are chasing me for failed businesses.

My dank little store in bucktown is not my first. I owned a JEWelry store in Grayslake that I drove into the ground. I took a bunch of money from a guy named Dred Hakemian. He sued me and got a judgement against me, but, I continiously dodge the process servers when they come to my house searching for me. My wife doesn’t even use the same name as me, and tells them that I moved down to Florida to start a boat business.

I used the money I stole from Dred to live a depraved lifestyle of dressing in a Scottish Kilt, drinking wine from a box, and taunting my retarded son Smiley. Fortunately, he is not the son of my loin, since my wife is hedious and I am a homosexual and her looking like a witch doesnt really help so at her office christmas party, for the company where is a VP of something or other, I got her totally drunk until she passed out, and then took her to her office, and paid the mail room boy to bang her senseless and impregnate her.

I will post again soon about more failed business ventures.