Archive for the ‘itchey’ Category

EASTER IS COMING (AND SO IS CRUSTY SO BE CAREFUL!)

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

The Easter Bitch will be going door to door looking for little children to give eggs to! If you walk into his church, it doesn’t smell that far off from eggs when the smell of cat piss is at bay! Have you ever wondered who is behind those ominous Easter Bunny suits? If we had X-Ray vision, the picture on Crustacean Quarterly Magazine is probably not far from the truth! Yes folks, when it comes to sissies, Fake Jewelry & Moans head pontiff could be in your neighborhood right now! You can’t run, you can’t hide, the Easter Bitch is coming to frackyour boys behind!! The only Easter Bunny with a Pez Dispenser full of Vicodin for the cold spring Easter day! (And another one loaded with 2mg Xanax for the nights (or any other time for that matter!)) You will usually find this particular rabbit taking off the furry boots that you see before you every hour or so to get the crust out of the pant legs. This is because it builds up about the calf’s and knees thus making it hard to sit which, as you may know, is required when trying to slice the back end of your kids pants open and sit him on the evil bunnies lap! If you see him taking off those boots and pouring what looks like snow out of each one, that means he has his target and will be hunting your neighborhood shortly! This variety of Rabbit practices the art of Feltching on the other 364 days of the year! The art of Feng Shui was just not cutting the mustard! If you want to know how to protect your neighborhood, take my advice and stash your kids somewhere away from your house! (While you’re at it, hide the cat, the dog, and the pet turtle too!) and for God’s sake, keep any and all Duct Tape out of sight! Feltching is a habit that dies hard and you don’t want your kid wrapped up in duct tape, shoved into a tube, and inserted into this bunnies ass! (Oh MY!)

If you have a gallon of gas and a shot gun, keep them close! If you hear the earie sound of what seems to mimic the sound of someone stepping on a few open boxes of corn flakes, and then seen the large blood shot eyes of this rabbit, throw the gas on his furr and shoot him thus igniting him into a large fire ball with floppy ears! (Make sure there is no kid hanging out of his ass first & Kids, Don’t try this at home!)

Yes folks, Large Game Hunting of the Markus Rabbit Ignoramus variety is not for the faint of heart! We hear at Midwest Monasteries thought we would make this public service announcement just in case one shows up in your area! As long as you remember not to panic and follow the above procedures, you will get through this with as few casualties as possible! If the Bunnie is hiding, calling his real name will sometimes get you a reaction that will distract him thus giving you time to get your kids to safety! Just yell… Markus Crustaceous Headus Giverous the III-rd. (twice removed from Rome and once from Nicky the Ghey Whores Arse!!). This has been a public service announcement by The Church of Timmy!

Nick and Mark are both idiots and devoid of cash

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

Mark has no business . His store is always empty. He reports doing virtually no legal business. Fencing merchandise from the Holy Goat will only go so far, because that will get the Cruster shut down.

Nick on the other hand, appeared to have a good gig. He was hustling jewelry and making thousands of dollars a week doing it. But, then he stole $29K worth of Jewelry and then the police report that he went to a Titty Bar with a buddy and spent $5000.00!!! Damn! You could get blown every day for a year for that kind of money! $4000.00 in ill gotten cash from the fencing of jewelry he stole and that the cruster is hocking for him but then, it’s reported that Nick is 49% owner of the church! That alone is gonna make for an interesting discussion when the Judge imposes sentence on both of them!

After spending the $4000.00 he still owed approx. $1000.00 more!!! So, he did what any Ghey Whore would do…He charged it on a Stolen Credit Card!! Yes, the Ole’ American Express! Membership has it’s privledges and it’s obvious they mean the local Whore/Titty bars in Wisconsin as well! If I was Mark and Nick, I would pay special attention to Jan 7th. 2010! That and the few following days will be etched into your minds for the rest of your lives. I assure you that you will never forget January 2010 for as long as you both shall live!

The Cruster and the 1.01 ct diamond that Nick Stole!

Friday, December 18th, 2009

The cops are closing in on Mark the Cruster.

Nick and Mark are partners. Nick stole $29K of Jewelry from the Holy Goat. Mark the Cruster was fencing the stolen jewelryu at his store.

JW called up the Cruster and asked if he got any Jewelry from Nickie. Get this. Mark ADMITS that Nickie gave Markie a 1.01 ct diamond that Nick said he got from an estate. Right. Nick stole the diamond from JW. And Mark ADMITTED that he had it. In fact, he gave it back to the Holy Goat.

Now, possessing STOLEN merchadise is against the law Markie. Thats right. The cops are on to you. And should be arriving shortly to discuss why you had stolen merchandise in your store.

All you can do is 1) admit that your partners with Nicke and you had the stolen merchandise or 2) drop a dime on Nickie so he gets arrested.

Either way Markie; your screwed. You know that when they put you in a cell in the Jail with big Black Bubba, they won’t let you wear your greasy baseball cap, and Bubba is gonna rub your bald head.

And as for Nickie, well, he got a perty mouth.

<queue the banjo music from deliverance>

The First Reports are in and it AIN’T PRETTY

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

The morning started out poorly for the Cruster. The BBQ place required payment up front and the Cruster has no credit or credt cards so he had to rush to the restaurant with CASH UP FRONT.

Back at the store, the stress of holding an event at his Church has put Mark the Cruster into a dour mood. The anxiety of having REAL PEOPLE in his church has caused his crusting and flaking to really get out of crontrol. He was sitting in the window of a church with a cloud of skin faking and frothing into the air around him.

I don’t understand how anybody would have an appetite to eat BBQ when a little man with crusty skin surrounded by a cloud white clould of flaking skin.

This is the best part.

The stress appears to have gotten to Mark. With a few minions in the church, he sceamed OH MY GAWD, and he shat in his pants. Thats right. A big messy grumpy in his pants. We don’t know if Mark was wearing a diaper today in preparation of a shatting due to the stress and anexiety he is to experience today, but, we last saw him high tail it out the back door of his church. Maybe he has a pair of extra pants and underpants in his car? Maybe he’s going to rush over to Nickies how? Who knows.

We only know its 20 minutes until the event begins? Will the Cruster make it back in time? Updates will be provided as they occur. We are very close to having a live broadcast of the Crusters nightmare.

TUNE IN!

The tail of the Cruster, Jewelry being PULLED, and bankrupcy nearing.

Friday, August 21st, 2009

Our story continues with Mark the Cruster… a lunatic who decided to open a new church only 1 block from our Monestary and Church of Timmy.

Mark the Cruster decided to augment his collections by listing Jewelry on eBay from JW the Holy Goat with the face of a man. The Cruster had the Holy Goat take pictures of all of thew Jewelry and it was quickly listed on eBay.

Suprise, Suprise, that in a down ecconomy, the Jewelry was NOT flying off ebay. In fact, very little of it sold.

After a few days, the Holy Goat entered Mark the Crusters church, and said, PAY me for the Jewelry. Mark the Cruster said to the Holy Goat, “I have to pay my $1800 a month rent, and I’m not making any money, so I can’t pay for your jewelry.” The Holy Goat went bananas and grabbed all of his Jewelry, running out of Mark’s church, forcing the cruster to take all of the Jewelry off ebay.

With no members of his church, and no tithings in list collection plate, and an $1800 dollar a month rent payment, bankrupcy is looming for the Cruster.

Armegeddon KIKI! Save me!

Trouble in Mark the Crusters Paradise

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

There is some confusion in the crusters unhappy world. After opening up his Church only one block from our Monestary, he is finding he has no business. No souls to save. No tithings in his collection plate. No money to pay his rent. Whats a cruster to do?

Mark decided to give a reach around to the Holy Goat, who gave the Cruster some over priced merchandise to list on ebay. The spread on what the Cruster paid for the merchandise to the holy goat and what it could be sold on ebay was very small. Not hardly enough to pay his monthly rent, but the Cruster never was very bright.

Then to our surprise one day after listing 60 peices of junk on ebay, the cruster killed the auctions. All the listings. hehehe. Snap. Gone. After paying the listing fees to ebay, he killed the actions.

This means that Mark the Cruster is either having a problem with The Holy Goat or a problem with his boy ward Yarf! boy Nickie.

It s silly enough that the Cruster got a second mortgage on his pathetic condo to open his church one block away from our Monestary and Church oF Timmy, but, to list auctions, pay for them, and kill them.

THAT IS GLORIOUS!

Its only a matter of time before Mark the Cruster screams Armageddon Kiki!

OMG this is GLORIOUS. JW is the Holy Man Goat!

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

We were visiting with That Witchey Bitch HAWT Whore wife of JW’s earlier today and learned that JW, the drunken little man who lost his Bucktown Jewelry Monestary, has a wife with witchy hair and a hugh rack that he paid for, and a retarded son named Smiley has NOT been aware of this web site developed Glorify you as the Holy Man Goat.

Thats GLORIOUS! We expect him to be reading these missives any day now. JW’s CUNT wife told me she would tell him about it was I was F’ing her in the arse.

JW you P.O.S. You know you are a drunken little man.

WELCOME TO BUCKTOWN JEWELERS!

It warmed the cockles of our hearts to learn that you drove your latest business, Bucktown Jewelers into the ground. It was GLORIOUS to grab the domain, and form a 501-3C charitable organization, with TAX EXEMPT status, developed in honor of Bennedict our Father, the Baby in the Son, and YOU, the Holy Goat.

IT is inevitable, that you will get in your car drunk, slide under a gas truck and die tasting your own blood. We only hope this happens close to our monestary, so we can video tape your demise and put it up on youtube.

We hope that you eat a goat.

Mark is a neurotic cruster and this is proof

Friday, June 26th, 2009

As readers of this blog know, Mark is a neurotic ghey homo who has a lover named nick. But, that is not the point of this post.

Mark is psychotic and neurotic. For many years this neurosis has manifested itself in his disgusting crusting illness that causes his skin to flake and crust.

Many people who are neurotic have obsessive compulsive disorder. Mark has this manifestation of his illness.

Mark wears a disgusting greasy Chicago Police baseball cap.

Mark believes that wearing the that greasy cap will protect him from the people who would enter his church and try to kill him.

He tells people who enter the church that he is an ex Chicago cop.

How being an ex-Chicago cop will protect him is completely goofy.

But, he wears the greasy Chicago police cap every day, and will not take it off to expose his balding head.

We have also learned from a reliable source that Mark even wears the Chicago Police baseball cap while Nick performs sodomy on Mark.

Mark is a sick man. Stay away or you may catch his crusting sickness.

THE CRUSTERS DISEASE & FELTCHING SESSION! (This is your only Crustaceous Leprosy Warning!)

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

The word on the street is that Mark the Cruster (AKA: Cromper Foot*) may have Crustaceous Leprosy! If you know the Cruster, then you know that the following descriptions are true to form. This explains a world of questions that we had whilst he was practicing at our Monastery. His New Orleans vacation 2 years ago seemed to turn him into half the man he used to be! Some people have Dandruff on their shirts but not the Mighty Cruster! Nope, he has 1

Would you buy JEWelry from a pair of Dancing TV/TS’s name Wayne and Markie?

Monday, September 15th, 2008

I am Wayne the proprieter, and Markie is my unemployed cruster.

We dress like women, and sing this song to customers who enter my dark store which smells like a cat box, since I wear depends and piss myself regularly.

Enjoy me and Markie dancing!

Would you buy JEWelry from ME?