Archive for the ‘Jews’ Category

Madness, Theft, JW, A new Jewelry Emporium, and Nickie the ghey whore

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

The funny thing about JW is that everybody that JW deals with thinks that he is a joke. There is a group of people that buy things from JW to make money off the transaction, and others that sell things to JW, making money on the transaction. They all believe that he is a drunken little man and they smirk at him behind his back.

JW called around today with a new tale of whoa. JW after closing his http://BucktownJewelers.com has opened a new store in Slimewood. The name of the township is appropriate because JW is indeed a slime. JW and his store deserves this town.

But, Karma is an amazing thing, and JW should have known that when you do business with a thieving ghey whore named nickie, ultimately you

CRUSTYS… FLAKE JEWELRY & MOANS! STEAL $8000 FROM NIKKY & THROW HIM OUT! BWHAHHAHAHA!

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Here’s the best one yet we have seen from FLAKE JEWELRY & LOAN!

Ok, lets have some fun with an in-depth analysis of the Crusters sapphire auction! First I do want to say that anyone that buys his wares is dumber than he is since he can’t spell, he can’t read, he can’t put a sentence together to save his life, and from the looks of it he’s gonna have returns to the house of hock in no time! Ok, First I want to get my flashlight out since the listing below has a flashlight on it so that you can see it! (YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN KIDDING ME! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Here’s his post verbatim… “Stunning Ladies Sapphire ring (oval) deep blue (pics 1&2) w/ 4 full cut accent Diamonds,This Gem weighs 5.01 grams & is a size 8 1/8 … The sapphire is (approx)) .60ct & .20ct in the diamonds…The head that holds the Sapphire & dia’s is white gold set on solid 14k yel gold. Retail is 795.00 but get it here for a fraction of that retail, As always U.S.A sales only ,No ZERO bidders & no P.O boxes . We have the right to retract any bid any time for any reason . Good luck Thanks 4 looking.We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.

Ok, First… Pics 1&2 are stunning sapphire! (What are the other 4 pics of then?) With 4 full cut accent Diamonds, (Hmmm, GIA doesn’t seem to have “accent diamonds”? (Are they from another country? Like one with a different accent than the USA?)) We then have a comma and no space. Cute! This Gem weighs 5.01 grams (Really! That sapphire is the only gem that’s big enough to mention and it’s not 5 grams in weight since it would 25 carats at that point! OH WAIT…You mean the ring itself! DUH!!! Was crusty flaking too much to see when he wrote this? Did the crust fall like snow into his lids? Perhaps!? I say this because he takes the time to say Sapphire but makes his own abbreviations like “dia’s” and Yellow is now “yel”! Crusty needs a loupe with windshield wipers in it! Get that crust off of there now soldier! As always U.S.A sales only. (Always, this is the first thing you sold on Ebay in 6 months!!! (Or tried to) Of course, with that 8th grade education, filling out customs forms for overseas sales could make you so nervous that the grease filled Chicago police cap that you were born with would fall off from the flurry of flakes dropping on your shoes!

You mighty cruster you! No zero bidders! What are you, some type of 80 feedback power seller? Oh wait…you are 80 feedback and most of them are purchases and what isn’t is Michael Jackson Albums! Bwhahhahhaha! Thanks “4” looking! Are you 7 or 9 years old? Are you texting this on your phone? You actually think people will spend money with you?

Now, the ultimate and most stupid line that I have EVER read in 13 years on Ebay…. “We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.” Bwhahhahahaha ROFL!!! You Shinned huh? (Did you get kicked in the head or the Shins?) a Flashlight on the center to bring out the blue huh? LOL, In other words it’s fuckin black! I can see you now….

“Here Ma’am, Flake Jewelry & Loan wants to send you this free LED Flashlight to hang around your neck so you can show your “Blue” sapphire off to them” Oh, Buff that jewelry and give it a shave! You’re taking lessons from that evil short wanna be Jew that masquerades as a Leprechaun 23 hours out of every day. (He’s hugging the water heater in the basement drunk on boxed wine when he’s not doing that!) Here’s another tip…Blow the crust away from the jewelry before you shoot it! I know this is new for you since you never got to blow out the birthday candles on your cake since the crust off your lips got in everyone eyes when you tried your first year!

The real laughing stock out of this whole thing is the Ebel watch you sold for 800 bucks! That watch was worth $2500.00 all day long! You’re gonna be out of business sooner than I originally thought! I could have sold that for at least $2000 in less than 1 hour with 1 phone call! You’re profit on it *might* have paid for the listing if you were lucky. Unless you shill’d it last minute to save it?!?! So will we see it listed again next week? Hmmmm!?!?

I’m glad that you started up again since material was getting kinda thin here. Now with that stellar vocabulary and 8th grade diploma tucked away neatly under that Police Hat you wear 24/7, I think we will have a REAL LONG relationship with your sales attempts! Keep em comming crusty, we are just getting started!

Thank you for entertaining us wildly! You should see how many people are reading this now and how much email we get just beggin for more!

Lastly…and in all upper case…. OUR MONASTERY HAS A SECRET OF WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO FIND OUT WITHIN THE NEXT 15 DAYS! YOU WILL BE OUT WITH YOUR SECURITY BLANKET (THAT GREASY POLICE HAT WHICH ONLY YOU THINK MAKES PEOPLE THINK YOUR A COP BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR JUST A TWIT WITH LEPROSY!) AND YOU’LL BE SMOKING AND THEN YOU WILL LOOK UP, AND THE ANGELS WILL SING! THE LAST SUPPER PORTRAIT WILL BE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ANGST THAT WILL BEFALL YOU BUT THERE, THE SIGNS WILL BE ALL AROUND YOU, AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO NOTHING BUT TAKE A HANDFUL OF XANAX, EAT 10 OR 15 VICODIN, SLAM A SUBOXONE (YES WE KNOW YOU’RE MOONLIGHTING WITH YOUR DRUG HABIT ON THE NARCOTIC OF NARCOTICS, THE MIGHTY SUBOXONE), AND CALL THAT GHEY WHORE NIKKY THAT GAVE YOU 8 OR 9 THOUSAND DOLLARS, THEN YOU THREW HIM TO HELL WHERE HE BELONGS! I HOPE HE REALIZES BY NOW THAT HIS MONEY IS GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN! IF HE HASN’T, HE WILL AFTER 11-15-09!

YOU GET TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE ABOVE MEANS AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT ONE BIT I ASSURE YOU! LOL

Now say Amen and for God’s sake, take that fucking stupid police hat off! ROFL

Trouble in Mark the Crusters Paradise

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

There is some confusion in the crusters unhappy world. After opening up his Church only one block from our Monestary, he is finding he has no business. No souls to save. No tithings in his collection plate. No money to pay his rent. Whats a cruster to do?

Mark decided to give a reach around to the Holy Goat, who gave the Cruster some over priced merchandise to list on ebay. The spread on what the Cruster paid for the merchandise to the holy goat and what it could be sold on ebay was very small. Not hardly enough to pay his monthly rent, but the Cruster never was very bright.

Then to our surprise one day after listing 60 peices of junk on ebay, the cruster killed the auctions. All the listings. hehehe. Snap. Gone. After paying the listing fees to ebay, he killed the actions.

This means that Mark the Cruster is either having a problem with The Holy Goat or a problem with his boy ward Yarf! boy Nickie.

It s silly enough that the Cruster got a second mortgage on his pathetic condo to open his church one block away from our Monestary and Church oF Timmy, but, to list auctions, pay for them, and kill them.

THAT IS GLORIOUS!

Its only a matter of time before Mark the Cruster screams Armageddon Kiki!

I am a fake JEW, you can be too, and late life circumcision OMG

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

When I started working in the pawn business for Cluck, I wished to adopt a pseudo Jewish persona to convience the poor SOB’s that walked into the store that I was a JEW and could be trusted. The first thing I needed to do was adopt a hymie accent. I took some money from my wife, the witchey looking whore, who now VP’s for a medical association, and went to new york to live with the Hymies for a few months.

The Hassidum who took me in convinced me that before I could become a pretend JEW, I needed to have a briss. Being a 52 year old man, I objected to a Rebbi with an exacto knife coming at me down there if you know what I mean, but, my desire to become closer to the jews got the best of me, and the procedure was scheduled.

The briss was scheduled for a Sunday afternoon. A minion of the Hassidum showed up at the house of the rebbi where I was staying, the men said a bruchaa, and the Moel Rebbi came at me with an exacto knife. Before he began, he sprayed me down there with a can of instant freeze, but, as soon as he started cutting, I was in excruiciating pain, lying in a pool of my own blood on the Mikva table. At that point, the 13 hassidum of the minion appeared out of nowhere and held me down so I could not move as the Rebbi continued to cut. I passed out.

When I awoke, I looked around, saw the jews praying, and noticed that I was now wearing a scottish kilt with a cloth diaper underneath. I had not wore a diaper since I was 14 and re-discovered that I really enjoyed it. And next to me, was a full blown scottish bagpipe.

I rose from the table, wearing a kilt with a diaper underneath, picked up the scottish bagpipe, and belted out a tune while they jews prayed.

I shortly thereafter returned to chicago to work for cluck, but, to this day, I still wear a scottish kilt with a diaper underneath, and play the bagpipes regularly.

Unfortunately, to this day, I am not fully functional down there, if you know what I mean, so I am forced to be the “catcher” in the game of sexytime, with my young male ward Nickie.

I am a sexy GHEY Jew, and you can be too!

I am a sexy GHEY Jew, and you can be too!

Would you buy JEWelry from a pair of Dancing TV/TS’s name Wayne and Markie?

Monday, September 15th, 2008

I am Wayne the proprieter, and Markie is my unemployed cruster.

We dress like women, and sing this song to customers who enter my dark store which smells like a cat box, since I wear depends and piss myself regularly.

Enjoy me and Markie dancing!

Would you buy JEWelry from ME?

Pentagrams and goats

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

I drew a Pentagram on the floor of my store. I lay on it naked fondleing my Holy Goat, naked when customers walk in the store. I then spin my head around with my eyes glowing red.

Would you like to buy some JEWelry from me?

The Rappaport Report and Flogging

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

I had a visit yeterday from a Hasidim who works for the Rappaport Report in New York. He brought some real diamonds for a deal that I was attempting to broker. When I broker a deal, I take diamonds from somebody and then try to sell them to somebody else and mark them up to make a hugh profit.

While the broker was showing me the diamonds, I had my boy friday Kiki flog me with a whip. Each time I looked at a diamond, Kiki struck me with the whip. It was GLORIOUS.

The JEW was not pleased with the whipping sound, and after a few hits of the whip, he pulled out his bible and started to PRAY.

Kiki took this as a signal to start whipping me senseless. We didn’t settle on any deal for any diamonds, but, I enjoyed kiki whipping me to the sounds of a hasidim davining until I passed out.

I also had an appointment for Taggot to bring his goat to visit with me last night. He didn’t show up. I was disappointed because, I really like Taggot’s goat.

Putting the JEW back in JEWelery

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

I may not be a JEW, but, I’ll pretend to be one for you.

I will show you my collection of beanies, and daven while you browse my wares.

In my spare time, I am a Moel, and enjoy telling young couples to “keep the tip” after I perform my services.

I don’t really know why I pretend to be a JEW, but, hope that you would like to be one too!

I am a very handsome FAKE Hasidim

Im a good looking JEW!  And you can be too!
I’m a good looking JEW! And you can be too!

Stop by and see me so I can PRAY with you!

I will bring the HOLY GOAT!

Why did I open this Faux Jewelery Emporium

Monday, August 11th, 2008

Since I have no marketable skills and a buring jealousy of two hassedic jews with successful businesses named Cluck and Fetchard, I had no choice other then to grab money from an investor and open my own store. It doen’t really matter that I know nothing about jewelery or gems I opened a store to be able to stay away from my fake boobed wife with Witchey Hair.

My first ritual when I arrive at the store is to exchange my light pink jump suit for a scottish kilt. I then take my trust cat-o-nine tails out of his prominent display case and flog myself. OMG Richard Simmons is so #hawt.

When my lusty office girl Hammy arrives, I chase her around the store screaming incomrephesible obscene phrases at her until she takes matters into her own hands and decks me. Once I wake up, I gargle the Sloria with Goats Milk and then, with the morning rituals complete, attempt to sell fake jewelery to people.

I have an amazing lab in the back of the store where I am perfecting the process of enhancing jewelery. It doesn’t matter that others wish to sell real precious stones. I only sell the ones that I can enhance.

Please stop by to see me real soon so we can pray together.