Archive for the ‘Jewelery’ Category

EASTER IS COMING (AND SO IS CRUSTY SO BE CAREFUL!)

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

The Easter Bitch will be going door to door looking for little children to give eggs to! If you walk into his church, it doesn’t smell that far off from eggs when the smell of cat piss is at bay! Have you ever wondered who is behind those ominous Easter Bunny suits? If we had X-Ray vision, the picture on Crustacean Quarterly Magazine is probably not far from the truth! Yes folks, when it comes to sissies, Fake Jewelry & Moans head pontiff could be in your neighborhood right now! You can’t run, you can’t hide, the Easter Bitch is coming to frackyour boys behind!! The only Easter Bunny with a Pez Dispenser full of Vicodin for the cold spring Easter day! (And another one loaded with 2mg Xanax for the nights (or any other time for that matter!)) You will usually find this particular rabbit taking off the furry boots that you see before you every hour or so to get the crust out of the pant legs. This is because it builds up about the calf’s and knees thus making it hard to sit which, as you may know, is required when trying to slice the back end of your kids pants open and sit him on the evil bunnies lap! If you see him taking off those boots and pouring what looks like snow out of each one, that means he has his target and will be hunting your neighborhood shortly! This variety of Rabbit practices the art of Feltching on the other 364 days of the year! The art of Feng Shui was just not cutting the mustard! If you want to know how to protect your neighborhood, take my advice and stash your kids somewhere away from your house! (While you’re at it, hide the cat, the dog, and the pet turtle too!) and for God’s sake, keep any and all Duct Tape out of sight! Feltching is a habit that dies hard and you don’t want your kid wrapped up in duct tape, shoved into a tube, and inserted into this bunnies ass! (Oh MY!)

If you have a gallon of gas and a shot gun, keep them close! If you hear the earie sound of what seems to mimic the sound of someone stepping on a few open boxes of corn flakes, and then seen the large blood shot eyes of this rabbit, throw the gas on his furr and shoot him thus igniting him into a large fire ball with floppy ears! (Make sure there is no kid hanging out of his ass first & Kids, Don’t try this at home!)

Yes folks, Large Game Hunting of the Markus Rabbit Ignoramus variety is not for the faint of heart! We hear at Midwest Monasteries thought we would make this public service announcement just in case one shows up in your area! As long as you remember not to panic and follow the above procedures, you will get through this with as few casualties as possible! If the Bunnie is hiding, calling his real name will sometimes get you a reaction that will distract him thus giving you time to get your kids to safety! Just yell… Markus Crustaceous Headus Giverous the III-rd. (twice removed from Rome and once from Nicky the Ghey Whores Arse!!). This has been a public service announcement by The Church of Timmy!

Stolen Jewelry, worthless diamonds and another case of Cruster Math

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

When we last left off with Mark and Nick waiting for Armageddon to rain down on their pathetic little world, I would like to talk about stolen jewelry, diamonds and another lesson in Cruster Math.

Mark the Cruster never graduated from High School. He dropped out of High School as a Sophmore, and worked at the pawn shop his brother owns, sitting in the fron of the store behind a display case, pretending to read the paper by looking at the pictures, since he can’t read very well, and then, when the other owner wanted coffee, donuts, lunch, smokes, or anything else, Mark the Crusting Biatch would run the errand, return with the items, and then sit back down behind the couter and pretend to read the paper some more. Mark sat in the same smelly chair pretending to read the newspaper for TEN YEARS wearing that same greasy baseaball cap. Mark doesn’t bathe regularly so that chair was ripe with CRUST. yuk.

Well, diamonds have value. Everybody knows that. When you go into the Mall Jewelry store, diamonds are VERY expensive. The Rapport Report puts out a price guide ever week on the cost per ct. of diamonds by size.

But, Mark and Nick STOLE $29,000 worth of jewelry from the Holy Goat. But, y0u can’t really have a bunch of stolen rings sitting around. So mark and nick took the beautiful trays of jewelry, stripped out the diamonds, and sold off the gold to a guy who melts it down. The street value for the jewelry was about $49,000 before mark and nick stripped out all the diamonds, and got their paultry $22,000 in cash for the gold. Nick gave Mark the money to pay his bills since his buiness does no busienss but, that will only work for so long.

In the meantime, Mark took 11 ct. of diamonds that he stripped from jewelry he stipped and SOLD it on ebay. In the Jewelry, thoses diamonds were worth tens of thousands of dollars. But, we have to go back to Cruster Math.

Take $10,000 of diamonds, strip them out of jewelry to an 11 ct. bag, and sell the 11 ct. bag of precious diamonds on ebay for $22 per ct. Yes TWENTY-TWO dollars a ct. If it wasn’t so sick and pathetic, it would be too funny.

Its only a matter of time. Mark the Cruster will get his, as armegeddon approachs, and nick, well, he will very soon be explaining to bubba in his cell, his expoits as Nick as on all fours, nekkid, wearin a dog collar and sniffing a black leather glove.

OMG. TOO fun.

Mark the Cruster, Buckey Beaver, and a CHIPPED diamond! OMG!

Friday, December 4th, 2009

Mark the Cruster is a retard. We have this on good authority since he dropped out of school as a Sophmore, since he was getting F’s anyways because he’s just a retarded fool.

But, Mark continues to do things that amaze me. And I have to share the stories with you dear readers.

A parishoner at Mark’s church tythed a Princess Cut Diamond, 1 ct total carat weight. The rap (dealer cost) on that stone is about $4000 since its a princess and most people are interested in round brilliant cut diamonds. A princcess cut diamond is square. I believe Mark the Cruster has an affinity for the square diamonds because Mark’s head is very square.

JW the Holy Goat told Mark the Cruster that to test if a diamond was real, Mark should use his bucky beaver buck teeth to test the hardness of the diamond. So what does Mark the Cruster do to this $4000 dollar diamond? He chomps on it with his buck teeth. And the corner snaps off. SNAP.

Never mind that you can purchase an electronic diamond tester that when you touch the diamond will tell you with 100% certainty that the diamond is real, Mark the Cruster is too cheap to purchase a diamond tester, and instead uses his Buckey Beaver Chomp test on expensive stones. See what it got him? Gornish!

What kind of retarded idiot tries to bite a diamond? Well, Mark the Cruster did.

And now, he has the diamond on eBay with a top bid of $99 bucks.

Lets talk Mark the Cruster math. Take a $4000 diamond, bite it with your buckey beaver buck teeth, and snap off the corner of it, and then sell it on eBay for $99.

The cruster will be out of business soon. He’s too stoopid to end the agony now.

Oh yeah Marky. When you walk out the front door of your church to smoke tomorrow, turn left, look to the North, and behold the Glory of TIMMY!

CRUSTYS… FLAKE JEWELRY & MOANS! STEAL $8000 FROM NIKKY & THROW HIM OUT! BWHAHHAHAHA!

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Here’s the best one yet we have seen from FLAKE JEWELRY & LOAN!

Ok, lets have some fun with an in-depth analysis of the Crusters sapphire auction! First I do want to say that anyone that buys his wares is dumber than he is since he can’t spell, he can’t read, he can’t put a sentence together to save his life, and from the looks of it he’s gonna have returns to the house of hock in no time! Ok, First I want to get my flashlight out since the listing below has a flashlight on it so that you can see it! (YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN KIDDING ME! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Here’s his post verbatim… “Stunning Ladies Sapphire ring (oval) deep blue (pics 1&2) w/ 4 full cut accent Diamonds,This Gem weighs 5.01 grams & is a size 8 1/8 … The sapphire is (approx)) .60ct & .20ct in the diamonds…The head that holds the Sapphire & dia’s is white gold set on solid 14k yel gold. Retail is 795.00 but get it here for a fraction of that retail, As always U.S.A sales only ,No ZERO bidders & no P.O boxes . We have the right to retract any bid any time for any reason . Good luck Thanks 4 looking.We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.

Ok, First… Pics 1&2 are stunning sapphire! (What are the other 4 pics of then?) With 4 full cut accent Diamonds, (Hmmm, GIA doesn’t seem to have “accent diamonds”? (Are they from another country? Like one with a different accent than the USA?)) We then have a comma and no space. Cute! This Gem weighs 5.01 grams (Really! That sapphire is the only gem that’s big enough to mention and it’s not 5 grams in weight since it would 25 carats at that point! OH WAIT…You mean the ring itself! DUH!!! Was crusty flaking too much to see when he wrote this? Did the crust fall like snow into his lids? Perhaps!? I say this because he takes the time to say Sapphire but makes his own abbreviations like “dia’s” and Yellow is now “yel”! Crusty needs a loupe with windshield wipers in it! Get that crust off of there now soldier! As always U.S.A sales only. (Always, this is the first thing you sold on Ebay in 6 months!!! (Or tried to) Of course, with that 8th grade education, filling out customs forms for overseas sales could make you so nervous that the grease filled Chicago police cap that you were born with would fall off from the flurry of flakes dropping on your shoes!

You mighty cruster you! No zero bidders! What are you, some type of 80 feedback power seller? Oh wait…you are 80 feedback and most of them are purchases and what isn’t is Michael Jackson Albums! Bwhahhahhaha! Thanks “4” looking! Are you 7 or 9 years old? Are you texting this on your phone? You actually think people will spend money with you?

Now, the ultimate and most stupid line that I have EVER read in 13 years on Ebay…. “We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.” Bwhahhahahaha ROFL!!! You Shinned huh? (Did you get kicked in the head or the Shins?) a Flashlight on the center to bring out the blue huh? LOL, In other words it’s fuckin black! I can see you now….

“Here Ma’am, Flake Jewelry & Loan wants to send you this free LED Flashlight to hang around your neck so you can show your “Blue” sapphire off to them” Oh, Buff that jewelry and give it a shave! You’re taking lessons from that evil short wanna be Jew that masquerades as a Leprechaun 23 hours out of every day. (He’s hugging the water heater in the basement drunk on boxed wine when he’s not doing that!) Here’s another tip…Blow the crust away from the jewelry before you shoot it! I know this is new for you since you never got to blow out the birthday candles on your cake since the crust off your lips got in everyone eyes when you tried your first year!

The real laughing stock out of this whole thing is the Ebel watch you sold for 800 bucks! That watch was worth $2500.00 all day long! You’re gonna be out of business sooner than I originally thought! I could have sold that for at least $2000 in less than 1 hour with 1 phone call! You’re profit on it *might* have paid for the listing if you were lucky. Unless you shill’d it last minute to save it?!?! So will we see it listed again next week? Hmmmm!?!?

I’m glad that you started up again since material was getting kinda thin here. Now with that stellar vocabulary and 8th grade diploma tucked away neatly under that Police Hat you wear 24/7, I think we will have a REAL LONG relationship with your sales attempts! Keep em comming crusty, we are just getting started!

Thank you for entertaining us wildly! You should see how many people are reading this now and how much email we get just beggin for more!

Lastly…and in all upper case…. OUR MONASTERY HAS A SECRET OF WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO FIND OUT WITHIN THE NEXT 15 DAYS! YOU WILL BE OUT WITH YOUR SECURITY BLANKET (THAT GREASY POLICE HAT WHICH ONLY YOU THINK MAKES PEOPLE THINK YOUR A COP BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR JUST A TWIT WITH LEPROSY!) AND YOU’LL BE SMOKING AND THEN YOU WILL LOOK UP, AND THE ANGELS WILL SING! THE LAST SUPPER PORTRAIT WILL BE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ANGST THAT WILL BEFALL YOU BUT THERE, THE SIGNS WILL BE ALL AROUND YOU, AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO NOTHING BUT TAKE A HANDFUL OF XANAX, EAT 10 OR 15 VICODIN, SLAM A SUBOXONE (YES WE KNOW YOU’RE MOONLIGHTING WITH YOUR DRUG HABIT ON THE NARCOTIC OF NARCOTICS, THE MIGHTY SUBOXONE), AND CALL THAT GHEY WHORE NIKKY THAT GAVE YOU 8 OR 9 THOUSAND DOLLARS, THEN YOU THREW HIM TO HELL WHERE HE BELONGS! I HOPE HE REALIZES BY NOW THAT HIS MONEY IS GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN! IF HE HASN’T, HE WILL AFTER 11-15-09!

YOU GET TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE ABOVE MEANS AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT ONE BIT I ASSURE YOU! LOL

Now say Amen and for God’s sake, take that fucking stupid police hat off! ROFL

The tail of the Cruster, Jewelry being PULLED, and bankrupcy nearing.

Friday, August 21st, 2009

Our story continues with Mark the Cruster… a lunatic who decided to open a new church only 1 block from our Monestary and Church of Timmy.

Mark the Cruster decided to augment his collections by listing Jewelry on eBay from JW the Holy Goat with the face of a man. The Cruster had the Holy Goat take pictures of all of thew Jewelry and it was quickly listed on eBay.

Suprise, Suprise, that in a down ecconomy, the Jewelry was NOT flying off ebay. In fact, very little of it sold.

After a few days, the Holy Goat entered Mark the Crusters church, and said, PAY me for the Jewelry. Mark the Cruster said to the Holy Goat, “I have to pay my $1800 a month rent, and I’m not making any money, so I can’t pay for your jewelry.” The Holy Goat went bananas and grabbed all of his Jewelry, running out of Mark’s church, forcing the cruster to take all of the Jewelry off ebay.

With no members of his church, and no tithings in list collection plate, and an $1800 dollar a month rent payment, bankrupcy is looming for the Cruster.

Armegeddon KIKI! Save me!

OMG this is GLORIOUS. JW is the Holy Man Goat!

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

We were visiting with That Witchey Bitch HAWT Whore wife of JW’s earlier today and learned that JW, the drunken little man who lost his Bucktown Jewelry Monestary, has a wife with witchy hair and a hugh rack that he paid for, and a retarded son named Smiley has NOT been aware of this web site developed Glorify you as the Holy Man Goat.

Thats GLORIOUS! We expect him to be reading these missives any day now. JW’s CUNT wife told me she would tell him about it was I was F’ing her in the arse.

JW you P.O.S. You know you are a drunken little man.

WELCOME TO BUCKTOWN JEWELERS!

It warmed the cockles of our hearts to learn that you drove your latest business, Bucktown Jewelers into the ground. It was GLORIOUS to grab the domain, and form a 501-3C charitable organization, with TAX EXEMPT status, developed in honor of Bennedict our Father, the Baby in the Son, and YOU, the Holy Goat.

IT is inevitable, that you will get in your car drunk, slide under a gas truck and die tasting your own blood. We only hope this happens close to our monestary, so we can video tape your demise and put it up on youtube.

We hope that you eat a goat.

Would you buy JEWelry from a pair of Dancing TV/TS’s name Wayne and Markie?

Monday, September 15th, 2008

I am Wayne the proprieter, and Markie is my unemployed cruster.

We dress like women, and sing this song to customers who enter my dark store which smells like a cat box, since I wear depends and piss myself regularly.

Enjoy me and Markie dancing!

Would you buy JEWelry from ME?

Pentagrams and goats

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

I drew a Pentagram on the floor of my store. I lay on it naked fondleing my Holy Goat, naked when customers walk in the store. I then spin my head around with my eyes glowing red.

Would you like to buy some JEWelry from me?

Why did I open this Faux Jewelery Emporium

Monday, August 11th, 2008

Since I have no marketable skills and a buring jealousy of two hassedic jews with successful businesses named Cluck and Fetchard, I had no choice other then to grab money from an investor and open my own store. It doen’t really matter that I know nothing about jewelery or gems I opened a store to be able to stay away from my fake boobed wife with Witchey Hair.

My first ritual when I arrive at the store is to exchange my light pink jump suit for a scottish kilt. I then take my trust cat-o-nine tails out of his prominent display case and flog myself. OMG Richard Simmons is so #hawt.

When my lusty office girl Hammy arrives, I chase her around the store screaming incomrephesible obscene phrases at her until she takes matters into her own hands and decks me. Once I wake up, I gargle the Sloria with Goats Milk and then, with the morning rituals complete, attempt to sell fake jewelery to people.

I have an amazing lab in the back of the store where I am perfecting the process of enhancing jewelery. It doesn’t matter that others wish to sell real precious stones. I only sell the ones that I can enhance.

Please stop by to see me real soon so we can pray together.