Archive for the ‘Flogging’ Category

Mark the Cruster having his building torn down

Friday, October 7th, 2011

I spoke with the village and they confirmed that the Curster received a certified letter in the mail telling him that his building is going to be destroyed to make way for a galactic interspace highway.    Well, it really is not a Vogon Constructor Fleet moving through his neighborhood, but the state is putting an overpass right through where is store is located and they will be tearing down his building.

And Crusty has received the certified letter, so he knows its going to happen.

I bet when he was reading it he was very itchy and flakey.  Like a potato chip.

But, does he do anything proactive to move?


There he sits every day, with a dim look in his eye, wearing that same greasy baseball cap, stone on drugs.

It kind of reminds me of that scene from Titanic, where the musicians move to the top deck and continue to play until the ship is under water.

Time is running out for the Cruster.  And we will keep track of his demise.

Nick and Mark are both idiots and devoid of cash

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

Mark has no business . His store is always empty. He reports doing virtually no legal business. Fencing merchandise from the Holy Goat will only go so far, because that will get the Cruster shut down.

Nick on the other hand, appeared to have a good gig. He was hustling jewelry and making thousands of dollars a week doing it. But, then he stole $29K worth of Jewelry and then the police report that he went to a Titty Bar with a buddy and spent $5000.00!!! Damn! You could get blown every day for a year for that kind of money! $4000.00 in ill gotten cash from the fencing of jewelry he stole and that the cruster is hocking for him but then, it’s reported that Nick is 49% owner of the church! That alone is gonna make for an interesting discussion when the Judge imposes sentence on both of them!

After spending the $4000.00 he still owed approx. $1000.00 more!!! So, he did what any Ghey Whore would do…He charged it on a Stolen Credit Card!! Yes, the Ole’ American Express! Membership has it’s privledges and it’s obvious they mean the local Whore/Titty bars in Wisconsin as well! If I was Mark and Nick, I would pay special attention to Jan 7th. 2010! That and the few following days will be etched into your minds for the rest of your lives. I assure you that you will never forget January 2010 for as long as you both shall live!

Are you gaggging over an unregulated loan business?

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
Don't GAG over an unregulated signature loan!

Don't GAG over an unregulated signature loan!

Don’t GAG over unregulated signature loans! Visit a licensed Pawn Broker!

Kiki the Gerbil will thank you for it!

Mark and Nickie's pet Gerbil Kiki

Mark and Nickie's pet Gerbil Kiki

I Steal Gems of Grays Lake

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

I started a Fine JEWelry store in Grayslake called I Steal Gems. Since I was drunk all the time it did not occur to me that naming the Store “I Steal Gems” was a bad idea.

Very few customers came into the store. It might be because my wife who smells like rotten fish and my retardo sun who pisses himself were at the store constantly but the business was clearly failing.

I convinced this Master Jeweler to partner with me, and he paid a large sum of money to join my business. He gave me a large pile of money while I used to pay for boxed wine and Ghey whores. When the money was spent, I walked out of the business leaving him holding the lease. I am that kind of scum.

I hope to do the same thing with a really hot looking stupid art victim that is sharing my new store with me.

I am going to go flog myself now.

Its a crusting kind of day

Thursday, September 11th, 2008

I crust myself today.

I have no place to go.

So I sit in my condo crusting.

Whoa is me. Whoa is me.

I feel like a potato chip.

Nickie needs to feltch me!

I am getting closer to suicide. The end is near.

The Rappaport Report and Flogging

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

I had a visit yeterday from a Hasidim who works for the Rappaport Report in New York. He brought some real diamonds for a deal that I was attempting to broker. When I broker a deal, I take diamonds from somebody and then try to sell them to somebody else and mark them up to make a hugh profit.

While the broker was showing me the diamonds, I had my boy friday Kiki flog me with a whip. Each time I looked at a diamond, Kiki struck me with the whip. It was GLORIOUS.

The JEW was not pleased with the whipping sound, and after a few hits of the whip, he pulled out his bible and started to PRAY.

Kiki took this as a signal to start whipping me senseless. We didn’t settle on any deal for any diamonds, but, I enjoyed kiki whipping me to the sounds of a hasidim davining until I passed out.

I also had an appointment for Taggot to bring his goat to visit with me last night. He didn’t show up. I was disappointed because, I really like Taggot’s goat.


Monday, August 11th, 2008

Am I Soup Yet? Part 1 of Many to Come…

Since I have this unnerving desire to keep a diary, and have done so since I was a little girl, I figured by marking this blog as private, I will be able to write in it from anywhere I am! I officially name this diary “My Escapades as a Young Kilt Wearing Clown” Or “My Name is Dwayne & I’m Gay”!

It just seems like yesterday that I was in my older sisters bedroom while she was out working the streets and myself left home with her ENTIRE drawer of panties and bras to play with all night long! Yes, I would don those fishnets and high heal leather boots and practice walking in them. I would put on her bras so tight that it left marks on my chest for the next 3 days.

Since she was a night time worker, I would frequently put on everything I could of hers including a 6 foot long pink feather boa and sneak around to other peoples house at night and look in their windows. I was hoping I would see some #Hawt #Gay #Guy named #Johnny and we could go back to my house and practice ramming those little 1 ounce bottles of liquor they serve on planes up my 10 year old puckered ass. Of course I would have liked that but Alas, I turned 11, moved up to coke bottles, and saw my first Scottish Kilt! Yes…It was love at
first sight!

Some things just make you say Hmmm! Like sex with the neighbors poodle, or hiding under the bed as your sister brings someone named “John” over every other night for what she calls school work but I heard her talking on the phone and she said it was a “Cram Session”!? I was only 11 so how was I supposed to know that she was actually strapping a different guys to her
bed and using an industrial supply of Vaseline to stick a variety of different sized garden gnomes up their ass!

Yes, that is so #Hawt that it takes a very close 2nd to the Scottish Kilts! When I first saw the kilt, it said some strange name on it like O’Shea. It was hanging up in an upstairs closet in my old grandmothers room when she lived with us. That is, until that one fateful day when I was pushing her in the wheelchair and forgot to put the brake on at the top of the stairs to help her into the moving chair that runs down the side of the staircase.

She went head over “wheels” down 22 hard wood stairs!

She just laid at the bottom in a pool of blood but I’ll never forget the way she landed until the day I die. She had her legs in the air spread wide open and resting against the wheelchair that she was still laying in! I was in the house myself that day and I didn’t know what to do, so I left her like that for 14 hours until my sister got back from the clinic.

Who would have known that an accident like that would happen on the same day the clinic was having a free needle exchange and VD check? The thing I couldn’t figure out was why all the neighborhood cats were clawing at the front porch door not 8 feet from where granny laid? To this day those cats will haunt me.

I’ll close this brief chapter and continue again soon. I have to go to my part time job. I word for Humorous Ice Cream. We are the ones that drive the pink and blue trucks around dressed as clowns through the neighborhoods while the music blares out of the speakers “Hey Kiddies, Humorous the Clown says I have something for you and it’s long and sticky!” It’s a Bomb Pop!

Dwayne, the Kid #Loving Clown.

Why did I open this Faux Jewelery Emporium

Monday, August 11th, 2008

Since I have no marketable skills and a buring jealousy of two hassedic jews with successful businesses named Cluck and Fetchard, I had no choice other then to grab money from an investor and open my own store. It doen’t really matter that I know nothing about jewelery or gems I opened a store to be able to stay away from my fake boobed wife with Witchey Hair.

My first ritual when I arrive at the store is to exchange my light pink jump suit for a scottish kilt. I then take my trust cat-o-nine tails out of his prominent display case and flog myself. OMG Richard Simmons is so #hawt.

When my lusty office girl Hammy arrives, I chase her around the store screaming incomrephesible obscene phrases at her until she takes matters into her own hands and decks me. Once I wake up, I gargle the Sloria with Goats Milk and then, with the morning rituals complete, attempt to sell fake jewelery to people.

I have an amazing lab in the back of the store where I am perfecting the process of enhancing jewelery. It doesn’t matter that others wish to sell real precious stones. I only sell the ones that I can enhance.

Please stop by to see me real soon so we can pray together.

I’m a little man in a Scottish Kilt

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

As I troll around my dank little store in bucktown, I like to wear a traditional scottish kilt with nothing underneath, so I can breath down there if you know what I mean.

I am a classically trained bag pipe player, and you wont have to ask me twice to blast out a little ditty since I serenade my goat on a regular basis.

Don’t be afraid if you see me flogging myself as I march around the store because I have been a very naughty jeweler.

Please stop by to see The Timmy Diamond which is Pear Shaped with a Pin Head, and Sparkles like White Jesus.