Archive for the ‘Scott Kilt’ Category

I am a fake JEW, you can be too, and late life circumcision OMG

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

When I started working in the pawn business for Cluck, I wished to adopt a pseudo Jewish persona to convience the poor SOB’s that walked into the store that I was a JEW and could be trusted. The first thing I needed to do was adopt a hymie accent. I took some money from my wife, the witchey looking whore, who now VP’s for a medical association, and went to new york to live with the Hymies for a few months.

The Hassidum who took me in convinced me that before I could become a pretend JEW, I needed to have a briss. Being a 52 year old man, I objected to a Rebbi with an exacto knife coming at me down there if you know what I mean, but, my desire to become closer to the jews got the best of me, and the procedure was scheduled.

The briss was scheduled for a Sunday afternoon. A minion of the Hassidum showed up at the house of the rebbi where I was staying, the men said a bruchaa, and the Moel Rebbi came at me with an exacto knife. Before he began, he sprayed me down there with a can of instant freeze, but, as soon as he started cutting, I was in excruiciating pain, lying in a pool of my own blood on the Mikva table. At that point, the 13 hassidum of the minion appeared out of nowhere and held me down so I could not move as the Rebbi continued to cut. I passed out.

When I awoke, I looked around, saw the jews praying, and noticed that I was now wearing a scottish kilt with a cloth diaper underneath. I had not wore a diaper since I was 14 and re-discovered that I really enjoyed it. And next to me, was a full blown scottish bagpipe.

I rose from the table, wearing a kilt with a diaper underneath, picked up the scottish bagpipe, and belted out a tune while they jews prayed.

I shortly thereafter returned to chicago to work for cluck, but, to this day, I still wear a scottish kilt with a diaper underneath, and play the bagpipes regularly.

Unfortunately, to this day, I am not fully functional down there, if you know what I mean, so I am forced to be the “catcher” in the game of sexytime, with my young male ward Nickie.

I am a sexy GHEY Jew, and you can be too!

I am a sexy GHEY Jew, and you can be too!


Monday, August 11th, 2008

Am I Soup Yet? Part 1 of Many to Come…

Since I have this unnerving desire to keep a diary, and have done so since I was a little girl, I figured by marking this blog as private, I will be able to write in it from anywhere I am! I officially name this diary “My Escapades as a Young Kilt Wearing Clown” Or “My Name is Dwayne & I’m Gay”!

It just seems like yesterday that I was in my older sisters bedroom while she was out working the streets and myself left home with her ENTIRE drawer of panties and bras to play with all night long! Yes, I would don those fishnets and high heal leather boots and practice walking in them. I would put on her bras so tight that it left marks on my chest for the next 3 days.

Since she was a night time worker, I would frequently put on everything I could of hers including a 6 foot long pink feather boa and sneak around to other peoples house at night and look in their windows. I was hoping I would see some #Hawt #Gay #Guy named #Johnny and we could go back to my house and practice ramming those little 1 ounce bottles of liquor they serve on planes up my 10 year old puckered ass. Of course I would have liked that but Alas, I turned 11, moved up to coke bottles, and saw my first Scottish Kilt! Yes…It was love at
first sight!

Some things just make you say Hmmm! Like sex with the neighbors poodle, or hiding under the bed as your sister brings someone named “John” over every other night for what she calls school work but I heard her talking on the phone and she said it was a “Cram Session”!? I was only 11 so how was I supposed to know that she was actually strapping a different guys to her
bed and using an industrial supply of Vaseline to stick a variety of different sized garden gnomes up their ass!

Yes, that is so #Hawt that it takes a very close 2nd to the Scottish Kilts! When I first saw the kilt, it said some strange name on it like O’Shea. It was hanging up in an upstairs closet in my old grandmothers room when she lived with us. That is, until that one fateful day when I was pushing her in the wheelchair and forgot to put the brake on at the top of the stairs to help her into the moving chair that runs down the side of the staircase.

She went head over “wheels” down 22 hard wood stairs!

She just laid at the bottom in a pool of blood but I’ll never forget the way she landed until the day I die. She had her legs in the air spread wide open and resting against the wheelchair that she was still laying in! I was in the house myself that day and I didn’t know what to do, so I left her like that for 14 hours until my sister got back from the clinic.

Who would have known that an accident like that would happen on the same day the clinic was having a free needle exchange and VD check? The thing I couldn’t figure out was why all the neighborhood cats were clawing at the front porch door not 8 feet from where granny laid? To this day those cats will haunt me.

I’ll close this brief chapter and continue again soon. I have to go to my part time job. I word for Humorous Ice Cream. We are the ones that drive the pink and blue trucks around dressed as clowns through the neighborhoods while the music blares out of the speakers “Hey Kiddies, Humorous the Clown says I have something for you and it’s long and sticky!” It’s a Bomb Pop!

Dwayne, the Kid #Loving Clown.

I’m a little man in a Scottish Kilt

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

As I troll around my dank little store in bucktown, I like to wear a traditional scottish kilt with nothing underneath, so I can breath down there if you know what I mean.

I am a classically trained bag pipe player, and you wont have to ask me twice to blast out a little ditty since I serenade my goat on a regular basis.

Don’t be afraid if you see me flogging myself as I march around the store because I have been a very naughty jeweler.

Please stop by to see The Timmy Diamond which is Pear Shaped with a Pin Head, and Sparkles like White Jesus.