Archive for the ‘Timmy Diamond’ Category

And there were Disciples of Timmy blessed be they (Timmy:1:14)

Sunday, May 22nd, 2011

And as the Word of Timmy spread, the disciples grew.

First of the Disciples, was Simon Larry Peter of Gawd, who was holy…

And, he shall be the Rock of my Church… and he will be the first disciple amongst the others…

Followed by Disciple Timmy, Pear Shared and also known as Diddler.

And Tiglath of Assyria (Ass Hurt Province) and his pet goat Lulu Blessed be she, the Mother of Gawd!

And Tony also called Urbish with bald head and double chin…

And Mike who has been irradiated and glows green when in prayer…

and Clifford the Distraught…

and Dannie…. High Chief of the Slores…

And Karl, and Randall the Brainless…

And Harper of the Striped Bastard variety…

And, Broox, who was also known as Creeper…

And they proclaimed the Word of Timmy, and the Word was Good.

Blessed be the Church of Timmy, Now and Forever!

EASTER IS COMING (AND SO IS CRUSTY SO BE CAREFUL!)

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

The Easter Bitch will be going door to door looking for little children to give eggs to! If you walk into his church, it doesn’t smell that far off from eggs when the smell of cat piss is at bay! Have you ever wondered who is behind those ominous Easter Bunny suits? If we had X-Ray vision, the picture on Crustacean Quarterly Magazine is probably not far from the truth! Yes folks, when it comes to sissies, Fake Jewelry & Moans head pontiff could be in your neighborhood right now! You can’t run, you can’t hide, the Easter Bitch is coming to frackyour boys behind!! The only Easter Bunny with a Pez Dispenser full of Vicodin for the cold spring Easter day! (And another one loaded with 2mg Xanax for the nights (or any other time for that matter!)) You will usually find this particular rabbit taking off the furry boots that you see before you every hour or so to get the crust out of the pant legs. This is because it builds up about the calf’s and knees thus making it hard to sit which, as you may know, is required when trying to slice the back end of your kids pants open and sit him on the evil bunnies lap! If you see him taking off those boots and pouring what looks like snow out of each one, that means he has his target and will be hunting your neighborhood shortly! This variety of Rabbit practices the art of Feltching on the other 364 days of the year! The art of Feng Shui was just not cutting the mustard! If you want to know how to protect your neighborhood, take my advice and stash your kids somewhere away from your house! (While you’re at it, hide the cat, the dog, and the pet turtle too!) and for God’s sake, keep any and all Duct Tape out of sight! Feltching is a habit that dies hard and you don’t want your kid wrapped up in duct tape, shoved into a tube, and inserted into this bunnies ass! (Oh MY!)

If you have a gallon of gas and a shot gun, keep them close! If you hear the earie sound of what seems to mimic the sound of someone stepping on a few open boxes of corn flakes, and then seen the large blood shot eyes of this rabbit, throw the gas on his furr and shoot him thus igniting him into a large fire ball with floppy ears! (Make sure there is no kid hanging out of his ass first & Kids, Don’t try this at home!)

Yes folks, Large Game Hunting of the Markus Rabbit Ignoramus variety is not for the faint of heart! We hear at Midwest Monasteries thought we would make this public service announcement just in case one shows up in your area! As long as you remember not to panic and follow the above procedures, you will get through this with as few casualties as possible! If the Bunnie is hiding, calling his real name will sometimes get you a reaction that will distract him thus giving you time to get your kids to safety! Just yell… Markus Crustaceous Headus Giverous the III-rd. (twice removed from Rome and once from Nicky the Ghey Whores Arse!!). This has been a public service announcement by The Church of Timmy!

CRUSTYS… FLAKE JEWELRY & MOANS! STEAL $8000 FROM NIKKY & THROW HIM OUT! BWHAHHAHAHA!

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Here’s the best one yet we have seen from FLAKE JEWELRY & LOAN!

Ok, lets have some fun with an in-depth analysis of the Crusters sapphire auction! First I do want to say that anyone that buys his wares is dumber than he is since he can’t spell, he can’t read, he can’t put a sentence together to save his life, and from the looks of it he’s gonna have returns to the house of hock in no time! Ok, First I want to get my flashlight out since the listing below has a flashlight on it so that you can see it! (YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN KIDDING ME! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Here’s his post verbatim… “Stunning Ladies Sapphire ring (oval) deep blue (pics 1&2) w/ 4 full cut accent Diamonds,This Gem weighs 5.01 grams & is a size 8 1/8 … The sapphire is (approx)) .60ct & .20ct in the diamonds…The head that holds the Sapphire & dia’s is white gold set on solid 14k yel gold. Retail is 795.00 but get it here for a fraction of that retail, As always U.S.A sales only ,No ZERO bidders & no P.O boxes . We have the right to retract any bid any time for any reason . Good luck Thanks 4 looking.We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.

Ok, First… Pics 1&2 are stunning sapphire! (What are the other 4 pics of then?) With 4 full cut accent Diamonds, (Hmmm, GIA doesn’t seem to have “accent diamonds”? (Are they from another country? Like one with a different accent than the USA?)) We then have a comma and no space. Cute! This Gem weighs 5.01 grams (Really! That sapphire is the only gem that’s big enough to mention and it’s not 5 grams in weight since it would 25 carats at that point! OH WAIT…You mean the ring itself! DUH!!! Was crusty flaking too much to see when he wrote this? Did the crust fall like snow into his lids? Perhaps!? I say this because he takes the time to say Sapphire but makes his own abbreviations like “dia’s” and Yellow is now “yel”! Crusty needs a loupe with windshield wipers in it! Get that crust off of there now soldier! As always U.S.A sales only. (Always, this is the first thing you sold on Ebay in 6 months!!! (Or tried to) Of course, with that 8th grade education, filling out customs forms for overseas sales could make you so nervous that the grease filled Chicago police cap that you were born with would fall off from the flurry of flakes dropping on your shoes!

You mighty cruster you! No zero bidders! What are you, some type of 80 feedback power seller? Oh wait…you are 80 feedback and most of them are purchases and what isn’t is Michael Jackson Albums! Bwhahhahhaha! Thanks “4” looking! Are you 7 or 9 years old? Are you texting this on your phone? You actually think people will spend money with you?

Now, the ultimate and most stupid line that I have EVER read in 13 years on Ebay…. “We have shinned a flash light on the center to bring out the blue which the camera cannot.” Bwhahhahahaha ROFL!!! You Shinned huh? (Did you get kicked in the head or the Shins?) a Flashlight on the center to bring out the blue huh? LOL, In other words it’s fuckin black! I can see you now….

“Here Ma’am, Flake Jewelry & Loan wants to send you this free LED Flashlight to hang around your neck so you can show your “Blue” sapphire off to them” Oh, Buff that jewelry and give it a shave! You’re taking lessons from that evil short wanna be Jew that masquerades as a Leprechaun 23 hours out of every day. (He’s hugging the water heater in the basement drunk on boxed wine when he’s not doing that!) Here’s another tip…Blow the crust away from the jewelry before you shoot it! I know this is new for you since you never got to blow out the birthday candles on your cake since the crust off your lips got in everyone eyes when you tried your first year!

The real laughing stock out of this whole thing is the Ebel watch you sold for 800 bucks! That watch was worth $2500.00 all day long! You’re gonna be out of business sooner than I originally thought! I could have sold that for at least $2000 in less than 1 hour with 1 phone call! You’re profit on it *might* have paid for the listing if you were lucky. Unless you shill’d it last minute to save it?!?! So will we see it listed again next week? Hmmmm!?!?

I’m glad that you started up again since material was getting kinda thin here. Now with that stellar vocabulary and 8th grade diploma tucked away neatly under that Police Hat you wear 24/7, I think we will have a REAL LONG relationship with your sales attempts! Keep em comming crusty, we are just getting started!

Thank you for entertaining us wildly! You should see how many people are reading this now and how much email we get just beggin for more!

Lastly…and in all upper case…. OUR MONASTERY HAS A SECRET OF WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO FIND OUT WITHIN THE NEXT 15 DAYS! YOU WILL BE OUT WITH YOUR SECURITY BLANKET (THAT GREASY POLICE HAT WHICH ONLY YOU THINK MAKES PEOPLE THINK YOUR A COP BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR JUST A TWIT WITH LEPROSY!) AND YOU’LL BE SMOKING AND THEN YOU WILL LOOK UP, AND THE ANGELS WILL SING! THE LAST SUPPER PORTRAIT WILL BE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE ANGST THAT WILL BEFALL YOU BUT THERE, THE SIGNS WILL BE ALL AROUND YOU, AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO NOTHING BUT TAKE A HANDFUL OF XANAX, EAT 10 OR 15 VICODIN, SLAM A SUBOXONE (YES WE KNOW YOU’RE MOONLIGHTING WITH YOUR DRUG HABIT ON THE NARCOTIC OF NARCOTICS, THE MIGHTY SUBOXONE), AND CALL THAT GHEY WHORE NIKKY THAT GAVE YOU 8 OR 9 THOUSAND DOLLARS, THEN YOU THREW HIM TO HELL WHERE HE BELONGS! I HOPE HE REALIZES BY NOW THAT HIS MONEY IS GONE AND NEVER TO RETURN! IF HE HASN’T, HE WILL AFTER 11-15-09!

YOU GET TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE ABOVE MEANS AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT ONE BIT I ASSURE YOU! LOL

Now say Amen and for God’s sake, take that fucking stupid police hat off! ROFL

I rebuke thee Satan…

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

…for what you did to Timmy and his Diamond!

I say this in the name of The Father, The Sun, and the Glorious Holy Goat!

The History of the Glorious Timmy Diamond!

Friday, August 15th, 2008

The adventurous history of the TIMMY diamond is very much like that of several other great diamonds. Greed, murder and remorse play a part in the opening chapter. Trouble – political, social, and personal – accompanies this gem to it’s last resting place. Originally known as the EMO TIMMY CUMMY TEAR EYES, this 410-carat stone was one of the last large diamonds to be found in Illinois. It is said to have been discovered by an emo slave in a diamond mind in Illinois. The emo slave Kiki grabbed the diamond high tailed it out of Illinois and off to a sea faring voyage to Argentina to eat Shwarma.

But during the voyage to Argentina, temptation overcame this seafaring man and he murdered the emo slave (who thought it was foreplay) and took the diamond. After selling it to an Indian diamond merchant named Jamchund for about $5,000, the captain squandered the proceeds in dissipation and in a fit of remorse and delirium tremens, hanged himself.

After the sea captain was well hung, the Timmy Diamond circulated around the world until the glorious instructions for creating the Timmy Diamond were passed to me in Bucktown.

The key ingredients for a Timmy Diamond are:

1) Shaped like a Pear with a pin head!

2) Sparkles like #White JESUS!

Stop in to see one today.

The Rappaport Report and Flogging

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

I had a visit yeterday from a Hasidim who works for the Rappaport Report in New York. He brought some real diamonds for a deal that I was attempting to broker. When I broker a deal, I take diamonds from somebody and then try to sell them to somebody else and mark them up to make a hugh profit.

While the broker was showing me the diamonds, I had my boy friday Kiki flog me with a whip. Each time I looked at a diamond, Kiki struck me with the whip. It was GLORIOUS.

The JEW was not pleased with the whipping sound, and after a few hits of the whip, he pulled out his bible and started to PRAY.

Kiki took this as a signal to start whipping me senseless. We didn’t settle on any deal for any diamonds, but, I enjoyed kiki whipping me to the sounds of a hasidim davining until I passed out.

I also had an appointment for Taggot to bring his goat to visit with me last night. He didn’t show up. I was disappointed because, I really like Taggot’s goat.

I’m a little man in a Scottish Kilt

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

As I troll around my dank little store in bucktown, I like to wear a traditional scottish kilt with nothing underneath, so I can breath down there if you know what I mean.

I am a classically trained bag pipe player, and you wont have to ask me twice to blast out a little ditty since I serenade my goat on a regular basis.

Don’t be afraid if you see me flogging myself as I march around the store because I have been a very naughty jeweler.

Please stop by to see The Timmy Diamond which is Pear Shaped with a Pin Head, and Sparkles like White Jesus.